Ask Amy is an advice column from the Chicago Tribune where Amy Dickinson answers reader questions. Her November 10, 2011 column caught my attention with its title, “Sister Disagrees With Adoption Decision.” This was a re-print in our local newspaper so I had to read it. Although I admit that I’m not a regular reader of the “Ask Amy” column, I am familiar with the concept of people writing in with questions that she does her best to answer. This question really made me want to express my opinion – and give my own answer. 
The Upset Sister
The question was from a reader who refers to herself as “upset sister”. She has a younger sister that is in college, is pregnant, and wants to “give up her baby”. She clearly perceives adoption as “giving up a baby” not as a loving decision to give your child a better life. This is an example of how a lot of people can incorrectly view adoption. Making an adoption plan is one of the most mature, loving, self-less, and responsible decisions a birthmother can make.
The upset sister goes on to say that she tries to explain that just because the situation isn’t ideal, her sister should still want to parent the child. She says there are plenty of people and resources in the family who would help her raise the child. She feels that her little sister is being entitled, even saying “it doesn’t seem fair that she just gets to put her child up for adoption and resume her life.”
The Question
Her question sums it all up as she says, “How can I impress to her that she can – and should – take more responsibility for her actions?” This question is what really inspired me to respond. The upset sister wants to “impress” or in my opinion, change her sister’s mind. She wants Amy to tell her how to change her sister’s mind.
Problems, Problems
Here’s my first problem. It is amazing to me that the upset sister thinks she can change her sister’s mind at all. With such a personal and huge life decision, does she really think that sending in a question to ‘Ask Amy’ will generate an answer that will help change her sister’s mind? Maybe she thinks that by sending in her question, her sister would read it and suddenly realize the error of her ways?
My second problem is that her question revolves around her sister “taking responsibility for her actions” by parenting the child. Is deciding to parent more responsible than the loving decision of giving her child a chance to be raised by a loving mommy and a daddy? I understand the upset sister wants to help parent the child with her time and resources. While this is admirable, how can she get so upset with her sister for wanting more for her child? If her sister’s wish is to have the child raised and loved by a mommy and a daddy, why not let her make that decision? Why is this seen as not taking responsibility for her actions?
Amy’s Answer
Amy begins her answer by acknowledging the upset sister’s feelings that it is the “wrong” thing to do. She tells the upset sister that she should at least respect her sister’s decision, even she finds it “baffling or abhorrent.” I am amazed how Amy sprinkles in her own words about how the upset sister feels. She says, “you’ve already told her that she’s a spoiled brat” and she is “giving her child away.” Wow. Amy’s opinion about the adoption decision came through her choice of words here.
Just when I thought Amy was going to totally side with the upset sister, she gives some wise advice. She says, “encourage her to go through the process carefully and legally, using a reputable agency with professional counseling.” Her answer does nothing to put adoption in a positive light. Amy has the difficult job of answering a tough and ignorant question. She could have done a better job in my opinion. Here is how she should have answered.
My ‘Dear Upset Sister’ Response
Dear Upset Sister – while I understand why you may not agree with your sister’s decision to make an adoption plan for her child, you should respect it. One way you can do this is by learning more about adoption. There are many wonderful couples that are waiting to provide a loving and stable home. Learn about how open adoption works – how your sister (and you) can still be involved in the child’s life. Your sister’s situation may not be the way she wanted it to go, but it may be a blessing in the end. No matter what her decision is, you should show her how much you love her by respecting and helping her however you can.
Maybe ‘Ask Amy’ needs to get some of her own adoption education.
What do you think? How would you have answered this question? Write your comments below or email me at tim@infantadoptionguide.com.
