Adoption is a long and arduous process, finding the child you that you feel fits your home, going through the screening process. And of course, waiting for the birth of your new family member to finally come.
Sure, it’s a complicated process, but it is so worth it once you finally get to take your baby home for the first time. Everybody knows it, and there are plenty of avenues to help you navigate the process successfully.
But what about after your child comes home? What do you do then? Parenting adopted children, while similar, isn’t the same as parenting your biological children. There are different hang-ups, most having to deal with answering questions about their birth parents. And how you handle these moments are gravely important that you approach the right way.
One of the most significant moments in the relationship between you and your adopted child is the day they ask you if they can meet their birth parents.
So how do you approach these situations?
Understanding the Feelings
Right now, both parties are experiencing different emotions. You should understand the feelings of both you, and your child.
Parents
As adoptive parents, we put our hearts and our souls into loving and raising our child. It never mattered to us that he wasn’t our biological son, so why does it matter to him that we aren’t his biological parents? Why would he want his other parents?
Of course, intellectually, we understand it has very little to do with us. But that doesn’t change the feeling of sadness that inevitably follows. And that’s okay!
In my experience, it’s best to look at it from your son or daughter’s perspective. Understand that they aren’t trying to replace you, but we do all want to know where we come from. How many of us have ordered a 23andMe DNA test to find out that very thing? And the same goes for your adoptive child.
Child
Right now, your child is beginning to realize that something isn’t right in their lives. They know they’ve got an amazing family, and they are thankful for that. But there are so many unanswered questions.
Things like, where does my sense of humor come from? Does my athletic prowess come from my father? And the most crushing of all, “why didn’t they want to keep me”?
Understanding that this has nothing to do with you is imperative. As parents, we all have to allow our children to discover themselves, and this is nothing more than a part of your child’s journey of self-discovery.
Be Supportive
Adopted children are always going to be curious about their biological parents – similar to a son who never got to meet his father. Those feelings are never going to go away, in truth, they only get stronger as they age. The time will come when they want to meet their birth parent(s). How you handle that moment is crucial in your relationship with your child.
We understand that this is a scary moment for you, but don’t let that stop you from doing everything in your power to help your child meet their biological parents. Your child isn’t betraying you; they are simply trying to complete their picture.
Remember, it’s a good thing that your child is asking you about their birth parents. It means two things; number one, they have a healthy curiosity for their past. And two, they want you to accompany them on their journey. Be there for them during this time. Console them when they’re afraid, it is a scary moment after all.
Don’t Rush
That first meeting is filled with anxiety, fear, excitement and a bevy of other emotions. The questions like, “will they even like me” are bound to arise. For that reason, try not to put so much emphasis on that first meeting. Take it a step at a time, have some conversations over the phone first, and build your way to that first meeting.
Be Prepared
It’s a scary feeling, knowing that your child wants to meet his natural parents. Prepare yourself for the moment they ask you about their birth parents. It’ll save you from the tsunami of emotions that come when that topic is finally broached.
Out of the parents I’ve spoken with, the ones that handled this moment the best were the ones who already had it in their mind that this was eventually going to come up.
One adoptive mother told me, “Adoptive parents almost always go through it. So do yourself a favor; don’t let that moment dangle over your head hoping topic is never brought up. Address it head-on.”
In the past, I’ve seen parents try to shame, guilt, or even threaten their children into not meeting their birth parents. Suffice it to say; this is a mistake. In the long run, trying to keep your children from meeting their birth parents almost always backfires. And even if it doesn’t backfire, you still lose. Because then, the only thing you managed to do was to keep your child from completing the picture of his past. No parent wants that.
No Need to Worry
I’m confident in saying that every parent’s initial reaction to their adoptive child asking to meet their natural parents are both excitement and apprehension. You’re happy because you know your child is about to embark on their journey to understanding themselves. And Apprehensive because of that unrelenting fear that the natural parents are going to take your place.
Yeah, we know its a silly idea, but for some reason, we all seem to go through those exact emotions. But you know what, once the meeting finally does take place, all of your fears will be put to rest. And that will be left is the joy you feel knowing that your baby just took a giant step towards self-discovery.
I firmly believe that bringing a child (that isn’t biologically your own) and giving them a loving home is one of the most noble things someone can do with their lives. It takes an exceptional type of person to able to do that and it isn’t something that anybody can do. That said; it doesn’t mean that there aren’t going to be rough moments. This is probably the toughest of them all. I know it was for me.
About the Author, Andrea Cerny
With a background in publishing, marketing, and online media, Andrea Cerny brings a robust set of skills to Angel Adoption Inc. She thrives on building relationships with like-minded individuals and working hard to ensure their online presence is the absolute best reflection of them.
