My wife and I have built our family unlike most people we know. It certainly wasn’t the way we expected when we first talked about starting a family, but there is no doubt we have been blessed by our three kids – all adopted as newborns.
Going through the pains of infertility and then the highs and lows of adoption has helped us understand there are things we can do & say every day that will have a huge impact on our children.
Raising kids we’ve adopted has added more to my life as a Dad than I ever thought possible. I’ve learned that I have a special influence on my kids and I get to enjoy an incredible bond with them. Here are some of my deeper thoughts about adoption that I hope will help as you navigate this amazing journey.
3 things I’ve learned about adoption that makes me a better dad:
1. Tell your child their story early and often.
It is important to tell your child about how they became part of your family. Don’t wait for the “perfect time” to talk about their adoption. It won’t get easier.
It isn’t an everyday topic in our household, however my wife and I talk about adoption with our kids in many ways. At bedtime, we pray for their birthparents and birth family. We occasionally share stories about their adoption, such as when we brought them home for the first time and the family met them.
We also have books about adoption that we read to them.
One incredible book is a very unique children’s adoption storybook you can find at MyAdoptionStorybook.com. You can create a customized hardbound book with your child’s name and their adoption story. An adoptive dad Keith Miller created this. You can listen to the interview I did with Keith here on the Infant Adoption Guide Podcast.
Another way we talk about adoption is when they are just old enough to sit and listen to a quick story (around 2 years old – and usually at bedtime when they are getting tucked in bed). We will tell them a very simplified version of their story.
Without a bunch of detail because we’ll lose their attention, we’ll tell them about what it was like to get on an airplane and meet them for the first time. We talk about holding them, kissing them and introducing them to our family.
They LOVE hearing their stories this way. It helps let them know adoption is a good thing and it is how we became a family. As they get older, we add more and more detail to their story.
One important thing to remember about their story – it is their story to tell. Be careful not to share too much detail about their story (especially sensitive information) with others. You want your child to have the ability to share (or not share) as much of their adoption story as they want.
2. Learn about (and use) positive adoption language.
Words matter. They can have positive influence or give bad feelings. We feel it is important to use words that encourage others – especially our kids.
Positive adoption language is where you use words like “birthmom” rather than “real mom” or “she made an adoption plan” rather than “she gave you up for adoption”. Here’s a great article about positive adoption language.
Using these positive words will help your kids see adoption as a good thing, not something that is second best. It will also help your family and friends know there is a difference with the words you use when talking about adoption.
3. Love on your child’s birthparents.
My wife and I are blessed to have open adoptions with our kids’ birthparents. Before we started our adoption journey, we weren’t so sure about open adoption. It was scary to think about having ongoing contact with our kids’ birthparents.
We’ve learned how important, healthy and beautiful it can be. Showing your child’s birthparents love and respect is also showing your child love and respect.
If it isn’t possible to talk with your child’s birthparents directly, you can share the good things you do know about them. You can pray for them and find ways to let your child know that their birthmother and birthfather are loved.
We love staying connected with them. We text often to say hi and find out how they are doing, often sending recent photos and videos. I love putting together an annual family DVD, full of all the photos and videos we’ve taken over the past year.
We also send handmade gifts (fingerprint art, etc) and our kids’ best school project papers. These mean so much more than any gift we could purchase for them.
Check out this guest post from a birthmom: Things I Wish All Adoptive Parents Knew
Check out this podcast episode – Communicating With a Birthmom: Before, During and After Placement
While I certainly have a lot more to learn about how to be a better parent, I hope these 3 ways will help you on your parenthood journey. Check out my ABOUT ME page to learn more about me – and you can even send me an email if you’d like!
