With most domestic infant adoptions, an expectant mother chooses the adoptive parents for her baby. She usually finds and connects with the hopeful adoptive parents through an agency or attorney, but sometimes can contact them directly.
The first conversation between an expectant mom and hopeful adoptive parents is one that makes everyone nervous.
My wife and I have been through “first conversations” three times now that we’ve adopted our three kids. We were definitely nervous. We had many doubts and fears leading up to these conversations.
These kind of thoughts and questions go through your mind…
What if we don’t sound friendly enough? What if we unintentionally come across the wrong way? What if we ask questions that offend her? What if we don’t answer her questions the “right” way? Will she like us enough to be the parents of her child?
This fear and anxiety is normal because these conversations obviously are not something you do every day. The good news is you can get help.
Your adoption professional (agency or attorney or consultant) can help. Ask them for tips on how to talk with an expectant mom – especially for the first conversation.
The adoption professional can (and should) provide screening. This means they will talk to her before you do, which can help in several ways:
They will provide counsel and support.
Adoption professionals should be providing counseling and support for expectant moms. It will help them make the best decision for their child. Adoption may not always be the right option, so she needs someone there to help her work through it.
They have the experience to avoid scams.
Adoption professionals should be experienced in talking with expectant mothers. They know how to determine if there is potential for an adoption scam. If you are doing your own screening, it can be more difficult to sniff out scams. See this article about how to avoid adoption scams.
Here are 4 tips for that first conversation – based on our experience through 3 infant adoptions:
TIP #1: You’ll be nervous – and it’s OK.
The first conversation is all about finding out more about each other. As nervous as you will be, she will be just as nervous. After all, she wants find the BEST adoptive parents for her child. It’s OK that we are all nervous. It’s OK to even acknowledge it. Just be friendly and you’ll be fine. Make sure to tell her how excited you are to talk with her.
TIP #2: Don’t share your life story.
Remember this will hopefully be the first of many conversations. So, you don’t have to reveal your life story or ask her every question you want to know on this first phone call. Don’t ask her too many questions – let her take the lead with what she wants to talk about.
TIP #3: She wants to know what life will be like for her child in your family.
She probably already has seen your profile and now she wants to talk with YOU. This means she already thinking YOU could be the parents she is looking for. It’s important to remain positive, answer her questions and not go into long details of how you decided on building your family through adoption.
TIP #4: Be sure to listen. Let her have time to talk. Once you find out more about her, you might have a lot in common to talk about. 
Get to know who she is and what she’s all about. Show concern for her by listening. Talk to her like a friend. Show her you are listening by asking followup question. Here’s a great article about 5 tips on listening to birthparents.
Here are some questions to ask (in no particular order):
–How are you feeling?
–Have you found a doctor? Do you like him/her? (assuming she’s not just days away from having the baby)
–What’s the weather like where you live? (assuming she doesn’t live close to you)
–What is your due date?
–Be open and inviting for her to ask you questions. What would you like to know about us?
–Do you have other children?
–What are your hopes and dreams for your child?
–Ask her about the people in her life. Does she have family or friends she can talk to about what’s going on?
–What type of contact are you hoping for after the adoption? (maybe save this question for your next conversation with her if possible)
–What else would you like to know about us?
–Would you like to talk again – or meet in person (if possible)?
Nothing can fully prepare you for that first conversation. That’s OK. Just be yourself and follow these tips. You can do this. Remember – listen, show love, and be genuine.
